Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Heavy Hearted Days

So today is one of those days in which I sit around with a heavy heart.  I spoke with my Mamaw last night on the phone and it truly crushed my heart.  She was so sad and broken over the fact that she cannot go back to her home to take care of herself.  That is the only thing she has ever fought remain in her home until she ventures into the gates of heaven.  Her voice was so childlike and she sounded like she has just given up on enjoying life.

Today, I know my mom is fighting her own emotion and grief as she takes Mamaw to her new living quarters.  My Mamaw knows that she needs to be where she is going and she accepts that in her mind, but in her heart, she is torn and shattered.  She just kept stating how she lived in that home her entire married life (over 75 years) and now she has to leave. I can only imagine what it must feel like for her.  I know that my mind is racing with wonderful memories created in that beautiful red brick home my mother grew up in.
Mamaw, Brittany & I back in February
It will be hard to see her next week when I go home.  I'm afraid that just the nursing home environment will bring back sad and hardened memories for me of how neglected my grandmother was treated in the home that horrible monster placed her in.  Those wounds are still open and fresh.  I know that my mom has done an excellent job of finding the right care and proper environment for my Mamaw though.  And I know that she will be checked on daily and not just disposed of to live her last days alone.

Such a heavy burden........keep her in your prayers please.  That she will adjust, find hope in the quaint activities they may provide for her and that she will see that she can live another ten years if that is God's plan.

Other than worrying about her and my mother, I have been glued to In Session watching the coverage of the Sandusky trial.  Last week, I was a bit distraught that they weren't going to televise it.  Last summer, the Casey Anthony trial consumed my days and I was hoping that this trial would help make my summer break go faster.  After hearing some of the details of testimony yesterday, I am glad that it isn't televised live.  I believe my angel in heaven was looking out for me on that one.

Just hearing the graphic details second hand of what happened to those poor innocent boys caused memories of pain and anger to flood back into my soul.  Granted, my wounds are still open from having to face my abuser last year.   It's amazing that when you think you are finally "somewhat" over something, or in my case, at least beyond that moment of being victimized, it attaches itself back to your every thought.  The edginess, the insecurity....the shame.  But then I remind myself that I'm a SURVIVOR....NOT A VICTIM.  I pray that those who are survivors of Sandusky will work through the devastating pain they have encountered and be able to stand and say that they are not a victim of his any longer but a SURVIVOR.  There is a very important difference.  It's a choice we make.........but yet, survival is not something that is focused on as much because the title of "victim" just seems to gain more attention.

The only way I can help those young men is to pray daily for them to be released from their persecuting pain and be able to live a life that is full of happiness and warmth.  I believe I've babbled enough for the day......

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