Monday, July 16, 2012

Walking Through

It's been a pretty busy week-end.  Sleep has not been much of an option because little Leah wants to wake up and play every 3-4 hours.  But it's all worth it.  I know that will all end soon and it's a very welcoming distraction.  The second my husband gets up for work, I hand her over to him to watch as I try to get a little sleep. 

The week-end has been damp and rainy.  We've gotten a break from the heat, but the humidity is just as bad.  It's challenging for me to be outside of an evening.  I've found myself identifying with sweet fragrances in the air and going back to that place and time 25 years ago.  It's funny how we can smell something and it causes us to time travel. 

I just need to get through this week.  Stay as busy as I can and continue to remind myself that I'm a survivor and that survivors move forward one step at a time.  I don't want to dwell on the horror of my victimization.  I want to flip it around and celebrate the fact that I am a survivor and that I didn't lose everything that summer.

It may have taken years, many years, but I gained strength from my victimization.  I developed the courage to stand up for myself and face the evil one that destroyed my life on so many levels.  All my high school years, my early adult years.....taken because I couldn't be myself. 

Today, I am just thankful that I have a support system.  I have dependable people to confide in and even if they don't quite understand, they at least listen and pretend that they do to help me tear down whatever wall I am focused on knocking out of my way. 

I prefer not to go out much this week.  My luck, I would run into the monster that stole my innocence 25 years ago.  I'm sure it's all in my head, but still, the thought is there and the second I would let my guard down and not be weary, over my shoulder he'd appear.  God knows he appears in my dreams whenever he feels like it.....taunting me, reminding me, hurting me, victimizing me.

But I will find a way to walk through this week with my head held high.  I have too.... I won't let him win.

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