Monday, December 29, 2008

Quiet Holiday Around Here.....

I wouldn't even classify it as a holiday really. Especially not Christmas. It's so different when kids are grown and not thrilled with the aspect of Santa anymore. After 5 years of begging for a hamster, I finally gave in and took Brandon shopping for that special friend he desired for so long. He has been thrilled ever since. He is constantly updating me on the crazy things that "Yoda" does. I must admit, he is a cute little fellow.

Other than shopping around with the boys, exchanging presents and baking for two straight days, things were quiet. We didn't have a tree this year or any decorations. Eric wouldn't give me any of my things. His day will come though. Of course, for the past few years of our marriage he hasn't given me a dime or anything so I have to believe that one day he will know what it's like to be treated so maliciously. I'm a firm believer in reaping what you sow.

As far as family, my Uncle Bobby called me first thing Christmas morning to wish me a great day and check up on me to see if I was hanging in there. He's the only one that has never turned his back on me. He knows what I've been through in my marriage....

I'm glad that Eric and my parents have finally formed a bond though after my being with him for 15 years. He never could get on the phone with them when we were together to even thank them for a Christmas gift, but he can speak to them several times a month now......and most of the words out of his mouth I guarantee are lies. But my parents have chosen him. I guess maybe if they found my body in a wooded area after a few months of searching for me they may be more convinced of how cruel he was to me. But that's not gonna happen now because I have an opportunity to get past the pain in my life and move forward to something new.

My therapist says that I have a major issue with abandonment. It took me a while to be able to accept that, but after stewing over it for a few days I realized that she was more than right. I've been dealing with that issue since I was 17 and tossed out of the house because I got pregnant. Well, actually before that really. My parents were always splitting up the moment I hit junior high it seemed.

But I'm learning who I matter too now. My children know some extent of what I've been through, have to be able to be honest with them so that they know the proper way to treat women and what happens to someone when they are abused. I have terrific therapists, an incredible uncle, a few friends left in my life and new co-workers. I even have great people here that have accepted me into their family in such an awesome and comforting way. I may currently have less financially or materially, but I am much happier knowing that I can be myself. I have such a long road yet to go to get over a lot of the pain and ailments I've suffered in the past 25 years of my life, but I know that I will get there because I am determined not to let others destroy my life or take what I have away from me. And I have the ultimate Healer and Deliverer with me each step of the way. He comforts me and He will restore my heart in His time. I pray for my family each and every day. I pray for those who claimed to be the one's who cared about me and said they were my friends. I pray that they never feel what I am feeling. That they never have to walk a road of abuse or abandonment. I ask for God to help me to forgive them each day as well and I know one day that healing will come.

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