As I sit here trying to figure out how to blog my latest feelings, it just seems to become more difficult with each passing second. But in that same moment, God keeps reminding me of my memory verse for this time period: "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9 NLT
I am trying so hard to be strong and courageous but in this moment, it is so difficult to go beyond my feelings that I am having in the flesh. My flesh cries out to take initiative to try and fix a situation that truly can only be in God's hands. I know the more I desire to walker closer with Christ, the more I am going to be tested. I have the upper hand....as long as I stand firm and remain steadfast in Him. I have to trust His grace and know that He will deliver my family from the battles and pain we have endured recently.
I have sat and listened to the lyrics of Tenth Avenue's Worn for the past 20 minutes and that sums up every feeling I have this second. The song has not only comforted me, but allowed me to "break". I am crying out with all I have left....I need the struggle to end; I need my families hearts mended from being torn.
I am so weak....emotionally and mentally. I don't like being weak. I am not a weak person. I am one of those that confronts something head on when needed too; that doesn't like things to pass by without being fixed. I dislike controversy; I like everything peaceful and settled. I like to be in control so relinquishing my control up to my Father is a test within itself.
I just ask that everyone keep my family in your prayers. I am not ready to open up and share what we are walking through at this time. I know God will heal those of us that are brokenhearted and embrace us as we cry out to Him. That doesn't make it any easier.....(back to that flesh battle again!!!).
So, I guess it's another great reminder for me to "Renew" my mind, my heart and my trust in Him. I am just so worn........