but instead I have been sitting around tearing up most of the night. Tonight, I should have been sitting in a coliseum full of proud parents watching the Senior Class of 2008 graduate....hearing my daughter's name being called. But that hasn't happened and all I can do is turn to this blog and vent my feelings. Something that I haven't been doing much of lately.
Tonight, my heart is breaking just as it did two weeks ago when Brittany decide to run back to WV. And I do mean "run". All I can do is pray for her safety, her decision making, her daily walk with God to be renewed and for our relationship to one day have an opportunity to heal.
I've done well these past two weeks......it's been simple: stay busy, keep my praise and worship music on, read my bible, focus on a Beth Moore study, pray, sing, pray, keep looking up and trusting God, pray some more.....and tonight, I'm just spent. I was sent a message of pain from my daughter, not personally by her, but through another way stating that she just doesn't want me as her mother basically. She wasted her life here......and even though I recognize that it's from the enemy...(oh how I hate to give him any credit), it is making my heart bleed in agonizing pain.
I know that when the day comes when I stand before God, I will have no regrets as to how I parent my children. I believe in rules, curfews, helping out around the house, knowing who the parents are of a friends they are going to hang out with, wanting to know their interests, moderate their internet connections because of the evil in society today, and raising them in church each and every opportunity that I had. I have done the best that I can and I know God knows that and those around me here know that. But what I don't understand is why I have to throw the only daughter that I have away to this world without a proper good-bye, an "I love you mom, thanks for everything.," or a simple smile and a wave. I would have settled for the Smile and a wave!!!!!!!
Instead I have my own cross to carry. My daughter has some serious issues that she needs to deal with....more than just teen-age rebellion. All I can do is pray for her....ask others to pray for her......and try to think positive thoughts about her. I see her friends at churh and I see her right there beside them in my mind. Bless their hearts, they are trying so hard to show me how much they love me and that they are here for me and I am the one that needs to be there for them....for their loss of a friend. You know, even though Brittany left on a sour note (I am still unsure as to her reasons for running to her dad), she's still my daughter. And no matter how bad her reputation may be here because of choices she made or stories that she told, she's still my daughter........and I don't want anyone to think ill of her. I want them to think and remember the BriBri that sang, smiled, strummed that guitar, laughed until she had to pee, or smell worse than a stink bomb. My daughter is a good girl deep inside.........but she's without Christ and until they reunite in a true relationship, "my daughter" is being captive by an imposter. I pray for her release.......I pray for her happiness and freedom from bondage. But more than anything, I pray that she knows that no matter how badly she hurts me or how long she turns her back from me, I will still love my daughter!!!