God must be breaking something inside of me....

There has been so much pain in my life lately. These past few weeks especially. I'd like to say that I have a strong relationship with God and I do my the best I can to please Him each day. No day is a perfect day.......I always fall short in some way, but that is the difference between God and us. He is all perfect, all powerful, all knowing..........we are gullible, rebellious, deceitful, selfish, and the list goes on. I'm sure you could think of numerous adjectives to place in that sentence yourself. The more God has allowed pain into my life lately, the more I feel as if there is something that is breaking within me. Not physically, but spiritually. I know that God doesn't send anything bad our way, but He does allow things to happen because He see's the outcome of our relationship with Him at the end of each trial we go through. I truly believe, and have felt for days now, that God is breaking me so that I trust Him more to carry my burdens. "The burdens are easy".......His Word says. Maybe not during our storm, but those are the most crucial times to honor and glorify Him.

I was pouring my heart out to my dear Sister in Christ, Cindy, today and told her that maybe I'm trying too hard to walk closer with God during these trials in my life. I am doing everything that I have learned by studying my Bible, from what I've absorbed in Bible Studies, and more than anything, what my praise and worship music has spoken to my heart. I am trying my best to "praise Him through the storm" so that I will not allow the enemy to have a foothold upon my life or that of my families. But it's hard.....and I am going to continue on with the journey just the way that I have these past few weeks. One thing that Cindy told me today was sometimes, even though we want to show God that we trust Him, place our faith in Him, and know that He is walking with us, we just have to be. Now, how in the world do I "just be??" God is going to have to come straight down from the heavens to explain this one to me because I can't comprehend it. I can't be still half of the time so how can I "just be?"

I can honestly share that I have sat around this evening weeping off and on for quite a few hours for my family, my friends, our leaders and the sad shape that this world is in for our children. I keep asking God to help to feel like I've forgiven those that have trespassed against me...and even though I feel like I have forgiven them because I don't have any ill feelings toward them, I'm still saddened by relationships that have been severed, losses of loved one's, moment's lost in time due to poor decisions, etc. How do I know that I've truly forgiven them if I keep asking for God to help me forgive them? Surely, it's just because I feel guilt for holding anomosity toward them for so long or because I never asked them personally (because some just haven't been willing to hear me out or it's not something that is possible to do). I know, all this problem makes it sound like I'm a pretty rotten person if I need so many people to forgive me......I know that I'm not because God tells me in His Word that I am His child and that He loves me and protects me and that I was made to be in a relationship with Him. I guess I'm just doing some depressive soul-searching tonight.

It would be so grand to see our mistakes ahead of time before we ever made them so we could choose Door #2 instead of Door #3 and have the happy life. But that is not why we were put here on this earth. God gives us free will and even though sometimes it may not feel good in the flesh, as long as we obey Him and what we believe He is directing us to do, I believe He honors that. He knows our heart better than we know it ourselves. Praise God He knows it better than I do because I can't make heads or tails of it!!! I know I love my Savior, that I am forever indepted to the price His Son paid for me that day on Calvary. I also know that I want to do everything I can to make Him happy and to lead others to Him. I am so blessed with my family......oh the stories and the struggles that we have endured. From childhood until present, we have had many painful nights, many worrisome days, and many praises to sing.

My father in himself is a praise and a blessing from God above. You see, 19 years ago, my father could have been taken away from me, my mom, my sister and the rest of our family in a split second. I choose to believe that God allowed him to stay here for a purpose......what that purpose is defined as is not for me to discover, it is for my dad to discover through Christ on his own. But I remember that night like yesterday.......and I know what it is like to have your life changed in the blink of an eye. For those of you who do not know, to make a long story short, by dad was blown up by dynamite investingating a stolen car report for the county police. A job he had (and still has) such a passion for..... You can only imagine all the therapy, surgeries, and rehabilitation he has had to undergo since then. But God reached down His mighty hand that night and would not allow him to leave this earth yet. It wasn't his time and I praise Him for that because so much would have been lost. My dad is a hero in my boys' eyes just because he is their grandpa.....and wore a badge. Not because of that night. In fact, they know very little about that night. But they know he is a hero. His life has purpose. And there are many others out there as well that have that special purpose for their lives.

So God......I'm waiting for you to define mine at this moment because I feel like you are molding me for yet another one of Your creations. A new ministry..........a change in lifestyle.....oh, it could be so many things. It is so hard to be patient and confused and not understand all that is surrounding me in my life at this very moment. I feel as if I'm on the line with Him 25 hours a day!!! But I know He hears me.......and I know He is with me. I ask all of you to continue to pray for our family as we go through new "growing pains" I guess you would call them.

I know this has been lengthy, but I just felt as though God was telling me to let it all out here. I pray you all have a safe and wonderful week and that God will reign His love down upon you all.